Too much of an artist to be a historian, too much a historian to be an artist

No, do not make me take Art History.

I had this problem pointed out to me in sixth-form where I was trying to do too much history in my Fine Art course (apparently it was supposed to be focusing on contemporary art, I didn't do that). It caused neither my art or history teacher to like me, both thinking I didn't care about either subject. The problem was that I cared too much about both.

This should have been the last I thought about it. 

I'm now in my final year where the words of my old art teacher start echoing in my mind. I should not be a historian. Yet, if I never chose this degree I would regret it for the rest of my life, most likely having the same experience if I were an artist. 

This manifested again when I was locking in the topic of my dissertation, realising how much of historial research I was only interested in if it incorporated doing something. A lot of my enjoyment of history is experienced-based through clothes, buildings or art. Having to do a solely text-based research project, no matter how close it is to my heart, doesn't have that same level of understanding. A lot of feedback from essays tends to be that I take a very emphatic and narrative approach which is awful for research but perfect for creativity. Themes take a storytelling role, analysing characters and actors instead of people. If my outcome was something that did not need to be an essay I would be fine. My best work, in fact, was creating a recourse for a local museum for a public history module. 

This just makes me feel like I'm not a 'true' historian. Nothing I produce will ever be publishable in a journal, instead be marked as 'pop history' as my lecturers love to complain about. 

That being said, I now have three years where I haven't worked on my art. This is why I am so determined to work on it even more than ever. It would be wonderful to build on a portfolio and open commissions but I now lack this education that I could have pursued. It's akin to grief. 

Grieving for two degrees I can never truly claim. 

I love an older Holmes

This Valentine's weekend I may not have had any romantic endeavours but I definetely filled my time well. I got the materials needed for my petticoat (the whole 6 metres) so prepare for updates on that once I pre-wash the fabric. 

What I wish to discuss is actually the move and game I had the pleasure of watching and playing this weekend. Let's begin with the film.

Sherlock Holmes: The Last Vampyre was a fascinating watch. Recently I have been in the mood for something gothic and this played with the genre a perfect amount. It was an adaptation of ACD's story The Sussex Vampire which I have yet to read (and now very excited to) therefore I cannot speak on the changes made. 

The entire ordeal felt as if it were a commentary on vampirism moral panics of the Victorian era, aided by racist anxieties and fear of newcomers. A man was accused of being a vampire simply by being able to connect to Peruvian women and speak their language. Sherlock was able to act as the voice of reason throughout the ordeal, of course vampires don't exist. Each part of the case does touch on different cliches of the vampire mythos, though, and it was a lot of fun to follow them. Because of ACD's spiritualist nature in his later life, I wondered whether that influenced this story, yet it remained firmly grounded the entire time. Ultimately a really interesting approach to the more mystic parts of Victorian life. 

There was also an asorable scene that I need to shoutout. Holmes loves his disguises, and Granada never fails to show this off in adaptations. Once finding out his client was asking about vampirism, he immeditely got together a 'dracula' inspired outfit just to scare Watson. Doing a little hiss with fangs and all. He would be at home in a theatre. 

It was intriguing to see Jeremy Brett as a much older Sherlock, I've mostly seen his earlier episodes, and I became aware afterward that he had died a few years after this. Sherlock in media is often on the younger side, dashing about London with a frantic energy, rarely do we see him age and mature. Seeing a 60 year old Sherlock still with Watson by his side felt so right. Really his approach had barely changed, he still through himself into danger, adventuring through the ruins of a long burnt down building. Despite only being in my 20s, seeing older characters still doing the things they love fill me with hope in life, and this is no exception.

I also played The Beekeeper's Picnic which is a fun point-and-click visual novel about a retired Sherlock weloming Watson to his cottage in Sussex after the war. 

I had started this months ago and had managed to soft lock myself (for being kind to a child) and the thought of starting from the beginning meant I din't really want to pick it up again. But for the valentines spirit I knew I had to play it. 

The game is great, Sherlock is still solving mysteries in his old age, just with lower stakes. All to gather materials for a picnic with dear Watson on the cliffs overlooking the beach so that Sherlock can finally tell him his true feelings. It's adorable, sweet and romantic. 

The villagers themselves all have little things to solve about them, offering the characters a level of depth. Something that excited me greatly was that the voice actors for these villagers are in my favourite podcast Wooden Overcoats, my poor flatmate had to deal with the squealing it caused. It's rather embarrasing how quickly I recognised certain voices. But all of this actually offers a sense of community, Sherlock hasn't secluded himself from life, instead choosing a quieter version of living. This was especially apparent with the Mind Attic, in his younger years it's empty and dusty, but now Sherlock's opened the window, let the sun in and it is full of portraits of his community. 

Sometimes it is okay to find love at 70 because you might just realise you've shared your life with the one you've loved the most anyway. 

Diss Deadline Done: a return to humanity

I am no longer under lockdown! Having somehow written an introduction 1000 words longer than its intended final form (we were made to write 2000) I am free for the rest of the week. This means a whole sort of opportunities, I could dare to draw, or paint, even learn to animate! Instead I am choosing to attempt to write something for fun (this being the year of writing and all) and I am stating this here so I could be held accountable if I fail to complete it. 

As well as this, since I am returning to the museum, I am in need of a historical sewing project. It will be a 1890s petticoat because it is one of the undergarments I never thought to make when I started my walking suit. This would mean plenty of straight seams to fill my shifts, as well as (hopefully) metres of gathers. Also I would love to have a white skirt for the summer season in general. Therefore I will need to buy possibly 8 metres of cotton and a considerable amount of lace (there will in fact be insertion lace decoration) if I want the maximum amount of volume. I'm also considering asking the collections manager if they have any petticoats of the period at the museum as a reconstruction project would be very exciting. (I will also most likely have to make a bustle pad to go along with this)

image cred: period corsets

In regards to drawing, I am both the most inspired and artblocked I've been in a very long time. The art muscles are rusty and it's incredibly fustrating that I don't have the skillset to be able to draw what I see in my head. The reasonable answer is to study and continue drawing yet the likelihood of that actually happening is slim to none. 

Another creative venture is that my friends DnD game is actually happening! We had our session 0 the other day and it was so much fun. It turns out I was extremely prepared with my character, so all I needed to do was fill out a sheet with my rolled stats. My lovely Moobloom Druid now has a name: Tarragon, which is actually a herb but it was so perfect for a fantasy setting. 

Hopefully I will return at the end of the week with something to show. If not feel free to pelt me with hammers. 

Things have gone from 0 to 100 very quickly

Forgive my absence, I truly didn't know what to say the past few days. Things have been increasingly busy and I've been rather stressed about the return of uni. 

Not only do lectures start up again but so do societies! I help run a society, historical fashion, and the committee met for a meeting yesterday to organise the coming semester, it was very productive and a much better start than last time. The only problem was our new day is now tuesday, the exact days I have 3-6pm seminars and our events start at 7pm. Which was a great choice that I am perfectly happy with (this is infact sarcasm). 

You would think as social media manager that my role isn't that important, I only run the instagram surely it's just announcing events. Except I take this role as if I am the graphic designer of a leading magazine. I run it as if it was Vogue. It requires an embarrassing amount of effort and time for each post and it is worth it, I'm not slapping a few words into canva, but that's what they think I do. 

We are doing an event (hopefully) at a cafe on campus and they have requested us to have 'banners and posters', everyone else got rather excited at this whereas a pit formed in my stomach. Not a single dimension given, simply 'oh yeah this shelf here, you can do what you want with it'. I asked the committee what they were wanting and they said 'what about the poster you made for freshers', nothing about the banner. The logistics of this is terrifying to me. I would rather get a piece of fabric and hand embroider our society logo onto it than somehow work out how to design and create a paper? laminate? banner. I'll also have to make another batch of our business cards. All of this for the coming month. This is an insane amount of work for a single person who also has their dissertation to work on. 

Speaking about the dissertation, my introduction is due on TUESDAY, there are no words on the document currently. I've done as much reading as I can in this time it is simply a matter of writing and I just cannot bring myself to start. It's terrible. Not only this I have to also book a meeting with my supervisor about this writing, all it makes me want to do is find a hole and hide away from the world forever.

I also need to actually attend archery because I have a competition coming up and we are running out of time. I haven't been because of health issues which was its own kerfuffle. 

Anyway all of this to say, I want to make a post about the muppets but I doubt you'll be hearing from me this week. 

i promise it looks better on the insta

Shared Custody of an OC?

One of my missions for the year was to make my own OCs but since Malevolent has come to an end, I realised I may already have one. I have a few friends who also listened to the podcast and we had this fun experiment of how it would play out if the podcast actually happened to the main character's (dead) daughter. It meant recontextualising the horror and time period to the experiences of women, focusing on the other dead female characters (there's a suprising amound). Faroe Lester may not be MY character, but between all of us we have built her into something original.

This actually happens quite a bit in fandom, where an Alternate Universe is pushed to the point of no longer being attached to its original canon. Usually the character is then tweaked into being their own. 

The problem here: this OC is simultaneously canon and not-canon. In the podcast it was revealed that there was a Faroe who grew up, witnessed her dad's death, and is chased by the horrors. Additionaly in the finale another Faroe was introduced, she could be the same one, she could also not. Whilst she experienced similar events as the OC version, they are different characters. She is also not my OC in the sense that she wasn't even my idea, but I've worked on her story with the friend who made her for so long it does feel like shared custody.

Now that this canon version of the character has appeared, and my friend has lost interest in the OC version, I do want to continue developing her. Imagine a new version of yourself appears, having a completely different childhood changing how you both lived your lives. One's a butch lesbian who boxes and solves murders, whilst the other is a glorified secretary. There's something so interesting about being on the outside of society watching a version of yourself that is almost the feminine ideal. Knowing that who you're with isn't your father and that you aren't his daughter, strangers both mourning different versions of eachother. 

I was even able to pick up my doodle sketchbook for the first time in well over a month (I have two, one for doodles, one for paint) and it has truly felt like coming home. Unfortunately I will not have time to write for her because I am meant to be doing uni work, but I look forward to attempting it in the future. It ammuses me that in order to be inspired to draw again, all it took was a podcast I no longer cared about to end.

(ps. You know how I said that the writing of Malevolent lost the plot and it was better as a noir detective show, IT WAS WRITTEN BAD ON PURPOSE THE WRITER ADMITTED IT I CANNOT BELIEVE IT)

yes there's a medieval AU of an AU

Dissertations are scary creatures

It has reached that point in the year where I'm faced with the beast that is the dissertation. Now, I am forced to tackle it, stare at it in the eyes and conquer my fear of it. But damn it is scary. 

I have until next week to write the introduction to this dissertation, yes it is a first draft, but this is where word meets a page and you learn whether or not your entire argument is rubbish. The problem stems from the fact that this isn't a question we've picked from a list, this is something you care about and have chosen because it interests you, and so if it doesn't work then you don't work as a historian (in this case). What makes it especially intimidating is that I tend to leave introductions until last because whatever intro I've written in the beginning is NOT what I actually end up arguing in the body of the essay. This should offer me comfort: what I write now will never see the final product, but it's the entire ordeal of beginning. 

Introductions require definitions and I cover a lot of themes that don't have distict academic definition as it touches on historical queerness. This means I have to focus on the historiography of these concepts, except many don't cover the medieval period so in turn I have to 'use their approaches'. There is also the option of making my own definitions and yet as an undergraduate I fear I do not have to authority to do so. It is altogether an absolute kerfuffle that I just do not want to tackle. 

Not only this but it forces me to actually have an argument when I haven't finished all the readings. Whilst, yes, there is the comfort of the imperminance of a first draft, but I doubt my supervisor would want the argument to change entirely mid-project (which usually happens for me). Hell, my most recent exam saw me having to rewrite the entire essay the day before it was due. Things tend to click in the final moments as I spend hours mulling over topics when I'm meant to be doing anything but the essay. Here, it just does not feel possible. 

It is a case of confidence. After the exam period, I simply do not know whether those essays were even legible so how do I even dare write something as important as the dissertation. What writing here, as well as in a journal, was supposed to do was make typing out words easier, I needed to learn the skill of thinking on a digital document instead of a physical page. Yet now it has become a tool for distraction. I can write as many drafts for blogposts as I wish, but none of them are going to get me a grade. Even this very post is a form of procrastination. If only it could be a warm up. 

Have any of you finished uni? Completed a thesis? Did you take forever to start or were you able to rip the plaster off quick and easy? 

I feel bad for Eloise Bridgerton

This will contain season 4 spoilers

Eloise is a character who I have mixed opinions on, mostly the writer's fault and their approaches to Feminism. It was this latest release that has left me feeling awful for her, mostly due to being in a similar position to her. I'm asexual among friends who are all in relationships or married and it is an incredibly isolating feeling, and here Eloise is a spinster among her married off friends and family. 

She has spent the first part of Season 4 being punished for simply being a spinster, something she has wanted throughout the entire show. Eloise is isolated from Francessca and Penelope as when entering conversations it centred entirely around married life, her mother sends her to oversee her sister's finishing school lessons, all the while being called selfish. By episode 4, you can really see her walls cracking, preparing her for her inevitable love story. She just 'hasn't found the right man' and that she'll come to understand wanting to be a wife. 

For a character who's arc centers around feminism and independance, they are paving the way to a character arc where she realises her wrongs, and that it was immaturity that fueled her desire to be a spinster. By 'correcting' the more radical sibling, and turning her into a trad-wife (which happened in her book) it paints a fantasy for conservatives: that of assimilation. She's being beaten down to accept social norms. 

The reason as to why I felt the need to mention my asexuality was that I truly believe that Eloise dressing up as Joan of Arc for the masquerade, could be some sort of hint to her own asexuality. I had found it interesting that Eloise chose this specific costume. The time period is set at a point where foreign relations with France are not peaceful and so becoming a symbol of French victory would be seen as treachery. It is most likely the fact that Joan is such a historically important independant figure, someone that it would make sense for Eloise to idolise and dress as. Yet when comparing the two characters a shared trait stands out. My dissertation is on the chastity and virgin identity of Holy Women, and like other female saints, Joan's virginity was incredibly important. Her entire character is centered on the title 'Pucelle', meaning Maid, which labels her as a virgin, this is what makes her actions valid in the eyes of late medieval theologians. It was what made her be able to act powerfully and independantly (without having to mentally marry jesus... don't ask). Eloise wishes to use the label spinster to grant her this same power and independance, making her wish to embody Joan such an interesting choice for a character. I will acknowledge that this is Bridgerton and everyone will get their love story, but to me this parallel could offer Eloise as an asexual character. 

That is why her treatment this season is heartbreaking to me. The show plays fast and loose with the limitations of Regency society, and yet the one thing it keeps coming back to is that marriage is everyone's happy ending. Why build up this character only to have her crack and lose every aspect that makes her her. There are eight siblings, even multiple queer ones, and yet it is unthinkable to have a character who does not want a relationship or to marry. What's worse is that she was finally talking to women at parties and becoming involved in society, some fascinating character development revealing that she's now more comfortable to do so now that she's 'on the shelf'. This detatchment being a shield. I used to wish for her to be a lesbian, interpreting her distaste for suitors as distaste for men, but it might go deeper to being asexual. (this doesn't mean she cannot be a lesbian, I still wish she was). 

All in all, if they bring back Phillip Crane in part 2 of season 4 or hint at Marina's death I will fight someone. 

please form a book club