Finding a Semblance of a Story

I've been yearning for my own story to tell. 

My friends are wonderfully creative people and they inspire me daily. But there is this nagging feeling that they can all attune themselves to this creative frequency that I cannot access myself. This is partly why I've found pursuing art properly difficult: I rarely have much to say. 

That doesn't mean things don't interest or drive me. Just the moment the pen is in my hand, or my fingers are at the keyboard, I find there's no shapes or words. It even affected my dissertation quite heavily at the beginning, where I knew the topic of what I wanted to cover but finally expressing it using my own words felt impossible. But I persevered (I haven't written as much as I would like for it yet, but the largest hurdles have been overcome). 

It was this small victory that pushed me to now, wanting to once again try and build on the skill that is creativity. Though, a muscle may be a more fitting term, as I have the skills needed for creativity, I just lack strength in the muscle that uses these skills. 

The key is small and often.

It sounds obvious, but you would be suprised how often I ignore this one rule. My usual approach to things creative tends to be throwing myself in the deep end, either I will learn to swim or be forced to drown. This meant, whilst I rushed to make the things I wanted to make, I missed the fundamentals of the discipline, something I'm having to put a lot of time in to fix. Now, I'm having to actually learn anatomy and perspective in drawing, basic seams in sewing, and the rules of writing. 

So what has this to do with a story?

I wouldn't say I'm aiming towards a novel: that would be absurd. All I wanted was to have characters in a world of my own, so when I am learning these artistic fundamentals I can apply them to something that isn't fanart. That way, if people do follow my socials, then they follow it for me instead of my interests. It's quite selfish, I realise. 

Luckily there's been this one idea brewing for quite a while. But I cannot just build it all at once, I need to stretch this muscle out, learn how to do things the proper way! So, I've been reintroduced to the beauty that is a drabble. A story written in exactly 100 words. It feels similar to limiting yourself to only 10 or 20 strokes in a painting. Because of the limited size, you have to learn how to be purposeful and exact with your words. You cannot physcially babble on about something unless you want the drabble to be about that one specific thing. 

What would be fun, when I am not drowning in essay writing, would be to do a month challenge. Something like inktober, where each day you have a prompt, and just write a drabble using that prompt. Using this, I could see if I could flesh out this idea I have running around my brain and make something of it. The random words would mean I would have to question things I wouldn't think to tackle. And, not to speak too soon, but 100 words seems much easier than an entire drawing. 

(PS. I have not forgotten my Sherlock project, I just cannot engage with the victorian period when I have to be focusing on the 1300-1400s. My brain works only with one time period at a time)

Turning my Dissertation into a Challenge

I've been falling down the rabbit holes of 'filling a sketchbook in a week' videos and you would think that it would have inspired me to draw more (which you would be right, but that's not the topic of today's blog) no, instead, I've decided to apply this to my dissertation.

By the end of Easter break I will need to have a completed first draft, that is 8000 legible and cohesive words. This is a daunting feat. I am the type of person who, the second they reach the minimum word count will immedietely submit their paper, so padding it out to 8000 is scary. This is made worse by the fact that I also will not start writing until I've done all the reading (quite a substantial amount I left at uni). 

The answer to this is merging the two: writing my dissertation in a week (but not quite)

You see, 8000 becomes quite managable once you start thinking about things in terms of 8 x 1000. All I need to do is write 1000 words in 8 days. Except 1000 is still an intimidating goal, instead make it 600. This number was chosen because it is just over half, that way it tricks my brain into pushing the extra 400. 

As well as this, I do not need to limit myself to a singular topic/chapter. 

What was stopping me before was that I didn't have enough quotes or citations to handle the entire chapter at once, findind that starting the chapter was especially difficult. But, similar to skipping the first page of the sketchbook, I start somewhere random, simply commenting on another historian's argument and fitting it into my own, that creates a building block that can be fitted into a wider paragraph in the future. 

This way I can see the argument start to form and how it flows. I'm covering a surprisingly large topic that has to balance a lot of factors (techincally multi-discipline as well) and so simply word-vomiting everything and neatening it later means that more can be said in an easier manner. 

Hopefully by the end of this week, I will have something that I can frankenstein into a first draft... technically a pre-draft as I will then use these building blocks to form better structured and articulated paragraphs. 

Overall, I aim to take as much pressure out of the process, as each day a substantial amount of progress will be made. 

Starting a Sketchbook (with spreads)

I've been learning how to paint for the past year now, and that was thanks to a sketchbook specifically made for paint. It was pricy enough that not painting in it would feel like a waste. Because of this, I have essentially lost a year of sketching and studies.

That isn't to say I didn't draw. No, quite the opposite. The problem is that they were all doodles. I wasn't experimenting or learning, it was just a load of indulgent slop. 

Now that we're reaching the final month of teaching at uni, and the pressure has ramped up, I would like to expell this energy through drawing. But I still want to learn. So, I finally bit the bullet and opened up a sketchbook I hadn't touched yet. 

Thanks to my dissertation, I've worked out a rotation system for the easter break. By switching between academic writing and reading, anatomy studies, and playing pokemon on my 2ds, I'm learning 2/3 of the time. That way, whether I'm having a breather, or procrastinating, I'm not on my phone. 

The best part of all this is that the book I'm doing my anatomy studies from is in Italian. Which is a language I do not speak. But that way I really need to pay attention to the drawings and analyse them whilst copying them to work out how this builds up the structure of the human body. It's also been fun to work on it in pen, meaning I have to be purposeful with my lines and can't run from mistakes. 

Honestly it's felt like coming home in a way. By being able to whip out a few spreads in a day reminds me of my younger days, where I felt I could be an artist. Maybe I can still can someday. There's still hope. 

Experimenting with Limited Colour Palettes

Limited colour palettes are there to help you control colours with purpose. With less choice comes less confusion (until you have to work out how to make blue without a blue paint). This is why I am working out the Zorn limited colour palette: it relies on ivory black, titanium white, vermillion and yellow ochre. In having strong warmer saturation it becomes perfect for skin tones... it's not the best for nature but I have a lot of learning ahead of me. I was inspired by an artist on instagram discussing using grey in skin to draw attention to the more interesting colour use of the piece. 

For my experiment, I thought it best to stick to a subject fitting with the colour palette, and who was better than Edith Cushing from Crimson Peak. To fully grasp the colour theory I would like to do two pieces - one warm and one cool. This is the warmer one. Here, I found yellow extraordinarily difficult to appear as yellow as it was also trying to be every other colour. The blonde hair was the most difficult step and I'm still not entirely happy with it - or the hat for that matter. Working with the skin should have been the easy bit since that was what the colour palette was made for, and yet it was a struggle, since it was harder to create the right colour undertones as well as the darkness (the black cools the colours). Out of everything, the background ended up being the easiest bit! Even with the colour palette not really suiting the greens of nature. Overall, it produces something relatively convincing that I can be proud of... as long as I don't think about how other people can ustilise the colours. It really is a matter about purposeful brushstrokes, maybe I have to do exercises with the least amount of strokes to get a better readable piece.

After this I plan to do a cooler version, with the focus of getting as many colours out of black paint. Not only will it be cooler, it would be paler, so that I can also experiment with the white. Though it appears this is not happening for a while so stay tuned!

 

Fighting Phone Addiction

I've stated many a time that this is the year I fight my phone addiction, it is absurd how much time I spend simply on twitter (even after I deleted the app). So this reading week (basically half term) I'm challenging myself to keep my phone turned OFF and in a drawer. This is also to help myself focus on uni stuff. 

It's been suprisingly productive and easy. My laptop has remained firmly on my desk which has meant I'm not in bed all weekend, I've done housework, I've spoken to friends. I've found it odd not being as easily contactable, I've missed texts, but on the other hand that's offered its own level of freedom. Trying to make the internet into a place I choose to enter as opposed to 24hr surveillance. 

After I had finished the uni work I had wanted to get done, I had the rest of my evening to kill and it was so much fun. I had realised I had not touched my sketchbook in nearly three months (which is absurd) and so I just plonked myself down to do some painting! 

Recently, I had finished Twin Peaks and it is one of those shows/films that is just so well made. Most of the media I tend to enjoy tend to be sub-par and thats what makes them fun, that is the space that allows fandoms to florish. A character didn't get enough development? Why not write 20 fanfics to fix that! Whereas here, all of my critiques can honestly be answered with the fact that it was a product of the 90s (most women did get watered down to their relationship with men, ESPECIALLY Audrey). It felt nice to be in safe hands and just enjoy something. So naturally, after finishing Fire Walk With Me (the prequel movie) I did a painting of Laura Palmer. All I have left to watch is the 2017 sequel series, but I'm struggling with it: most of what made Twin Peaks charming has been removed.

In other news, after putting the phone down I picked up my ancient Nintendo 2DS (now a whopping 10 years old) to finally finish Pokemon Moon. Admitedly, I played 10 hours of it in one day. It was a new file but I'm sticking with my original choice of starter: Rowlet! Decidueye is genuinely my favourite pokemon so there was no way I'm picking Litten or Popplio. Four Gyms down and I believe I've reached the area that caused me to quit the game for a decade: the Grass/Bug Gym. It's caused me to collect an all fire team and I've had to level them up which altogether is a grind and a slog. But I'm having fun! It really is a better altenative to doomscrolling as there is a semblance of progress being made. In the future I think it would be fun to bring my 2DS to places and play that in the meantime. 

I must say, there is a feeling of emptiness within my day, but I'm sure with practice that I'll be able to fill it. My current sewing project is in the naughty corner, hopefully this week, I will unpick my mistakes and start afresh, with a clearer mind than before. Do not fret, eventually you will get a post of my sewing struggles, just let me work out the outer ruffle... and inner ruffle. I'm not enjoying the ruffles. 

Overall, it's been a relative success! 

Too much of an artist to be a historian, too much a historian to be an artist

No, do not make me take Art History.

I had this problem pointed out to me in sixth-form where I was trying to do too much history in my Fine Art course (apparently it was supposed to be focusing on contemporary art, I didn't do that). It caused neither my art or history teacher to like me, both thinking I didn't care about either subject. The problem was that I cared too much about both.

This should have been the last I thought about it. 

I'm now in my final year where the words of my old art teacher start echoing in my mind. I should not be a historian. Yet, if I never chose this degree I would regret it for the rest of my life, most likely having the same experience if I were an artist. 

This manifested again when I was locking in the topic of my dissertation, realising how much of historial research I was only interested in if it incorporated doing something. A lot of my enjoyment of history is experienced-based through clothes, buildings or art. Having to do a solely text-based research project, no matter how close it is to my heart, doesn't have that same level of understanding. A lot of feedback from essays tends to be that I take a very emphatic and narrative approach which is awful for research but perfect for creativity. Themes take a storytelling role, analysing characters and actors instead of people. If my outcome was something that did not need to be an essay I would be fine. My best work, in fact, was creating a recourse for a local museum for a public history module. 

This just makes me feel like I'm not a 'true' historian. Nothing I produce will ever be publishable in a journal, instead be marked as 'pop history' as my lecturers love to complain about. 

That being said, I now have three years where I haven't worked on my art. This is why I am so determined to work on it even more than ever. It would be wonderful to build on a portfolio and open commissions but I now lack this education that I could have pursued. It's akin to grief. 

Grieving for two degrees I can never truly claim. 

I love an older Holmes

This Valentine's weekend I may not have had any romantic endeavours but I definetely filled my time well. I got the materials needed for my petticoat (the whole 6 metres) so prepare for updates on that once I pre-wash the fabric. 

What I wish to discuss is actually the move and game I had the pleasure of watching and playing this weekend. Let's begin with the film.

Sherlock Holmes: The Last Vampyre was a fascinating watch. Recently I have been in the mood for something gothic and this played with the genre a perfect amount. It was an adaptation of ACD's story The Sussex Vampire which I have yet to read (and now very excited to) therefore I cannot speak on the changes made. 

The entire ordeal felt as if it were a commentary on vampirism moral panics of the Victorian era, aided by racist anxieties and fear of newcomers. A man was accused of being a vampire simply by being able to connect to Peruvian women and speak their language. Sherlock was able to act as the voice of reason throughout the ordeal, of course vampires don't exist. Each part of the case does touch on different cliches of the vampire mythos, though, and it was a lot of fun to follow them. Because of ACD's spiritualist nature in his later life, I wondered whether that influenced this story, yet it remained firmly grounded the entire time. Ultimately a really interesting approach to the more mystic parts of Victorian life. 

There was also an asorable scene that I need to shoutout. Holmes loves his disguises, and Granada never fails to show this off in adaptations. Once finding out his client was asking about vampirism, he immeditely got together a 'dracula' inspired outfit just to scare Watson. Doing a little hiss with fangs and all. He would be at home in a theatre. 

It was intriguing to see Jeremy Brett as a much older Sherlock, I've mostly seen his earlier episodes, and I became aware afterward that he had died a few years after this. Sherlock in media is often on the younger side, dashing about London with a frantic energy, rarely do we see him age and mature. Seeing a 60 year old Sherlock still with Watson by his side felt so right. Really his approach had barely changed, he still through himself into danger, adventuring through the ruins of a long burnt down building. Despite only being in my 20s, seeing older characters still doing the things they love fill me with hope in life, and this is no exception.

I also played The Beekeeper's Picnic which is a fun point-and-click visual novel about a retired Sherlock weloming Watson to his cottage in Sussex after the war. 

I had started this months ago and had managed to soft lock myself (for being kind to a child) and the thought of starting from the beginning meant I din't really want to pick it up again. But for the valentines spirit I knew I had to play it. 

The game is great, Sherlock is still solving mysteries in his old age, just with lower stakes. All to gather materials for a picnic with dear Watson on the cliffs overlooking the beach so that Sherlock can finally tell him his true feelings. It's adorable, sweet and romantic. 

The villagers themselves all have little things to solve about them, offering the characters a level of depth. Something that excited me greatly was that the voice actors for these villagers are in my favourite podcast Wooden Overcoats, my poor flatmate had to deal with the squealing it caused. It's rather embarrasing how quickly I recognised certain voices. But all of this actually offers a sense of community, Sherlock hasn't secluded himself from life, instead choosing a quieter version of living. This was especially apparent with the Mind Attic, in his younger years it's empty and dusty, but now Sherlock's opened the window, let the sun in and it is full of portraits of his community. 

Sometimes it is okay to find love at 70 because you might just realise you've shared your life with the one you've loved the most anyway.